Hypocrisy

I haven't written in this blog in so long and it honestly took me forever to come up with a topic I wanted to write about. So, I thought about the things that have been previously placed in my mind or life situations, and I came up with hypocrisy.

I think a lot of people over look this topic just because it's so common, we just don't notice. Including myself, obviously I'm going to say that. It's the falseness of someone's opinion, standards and beliefs by the way they pretend to do and be something they just can't be. A lot of us don't realize when we even do it because it's just so normal. We want to do the right thing and have the best influences by coming off a certain way, but then when we can't live up to the person we laid out for ourselves to be it shows what hypocrites we are in the process.

I don't talk about this much, but that's one of the reasons I can't stand religion like Christianity most of all. I know it's represented almost everywhere in my home and family because of the life Dad chose for us, but that does not mean we all have to stick to the same thing, so I chose not to. When I look at Christian's, I see people that act like God is their best friend and walk around like they've got hand made friendship bracelets from the guy and we don't. We're "learning" and they are here to help us "grow close to the Lord". That's so frustrating and obnoxious because it's fake. I'm sure their intentions are excellent but hello? They can't live up to it. No one can. It's one thing if you try, but another to gloat about it and act like you're this wonderful, selfless person who wants to save the world. They are hypocrites and some may not even notice.

I'm not saying all Christians are like this, same with people in general. But the last thing I want is to be looked down on by someone to is just there to put on a show. Hypocrites can be seen through like a glass wall most of the time and it irritates me to be surrounded by those kinds of people.

When it comes to myself, I know I can be the exact same way. Not by shoving God up someone's ass, but within my own personality and daily life. I hate getting in arguments with people because I know I'll most likely end up getting mad at them for something I do all the time or have done once before. Then, since we're arguing, of course they will throw that in my face! It just becomes a pattern that is only going to lead to more and more past issues that get brought up which makes a person want to correct them more and more for things that everyone has done before. Sometimes there is just no way to avoid hypocrisy? This also frustrates me. How do you ever avoid it?

No one is perfect, right? So the question is, how do we figure out how to get rid of hypocrisy? Can people change, learn a different way to handle arguments, or just realize they aren't perfect?
Maybe it takes a hypocrite to figure that out.

Fear

I think it's too difficult to explain a topic like this.. I've wanted to, but I fear the wrong words coming out or leaving over a million and twelve things out.

There are so many different types of people in this world, no one could name them all. I'd like to take the time to point out certain kinds of people that fear. 

They fear physical objects, rejection, losing close ones, getting hurt, hurting others, dying, living, or even doing what they're created to be. Most all of us obtain a fear in something, if we didn't we must not feel correctly. Fear is not a good thing to look at, but sometimes it can save us from certain things. Maybe I shouldn't of put it it like that actually. I'm not sure how to best describe this.. I'm a very fearful person sometimes. People can't hide from the world forever though. That's letting it control us and that's not what we're put here for. These are the people that watch the world pass them by without a single blink of regret, no, not till the end. 

I look at things in my life now that I would have completely missed if I hadn't taken those chances. I would have never been able to walk the Great Wall Of China with my dad, or climb Camelback Mountain in Arizona and actually reach the top in a day. Even small things like jumping off a bridge in Norris Lake, or taking a step towards someone you never thought you could do. Life is full of things like these. Maybe not always big, but the steps are worth taking. Always. 

A lot of the time, we fear because we've already been hurt. It's a guard we naturally put up right away and no one is allowed back in. Or new people aren't allowed in to begin with...? I think both. Trust is such a strong word to our society, yet most people can't seem to fully hold to such a promise. Is that why fear is such a common thing to everyone? Maybe if people kept their promises, there would be trust. And with trust leaves behind fear. I feel wrong and right in different ways so there may not be a real answer to this question. 

People start to show their fear in many ways i think. Some are mean and build walls, and others are funny by making jokes about themselves before others can beat them to it. A lot can be emotional and stay quiet until they get to a safe place, or the ones who even use things to feel numb and lose all feelings. 

These are all the wrong answers, but we still do it.

I wish I knew why? Without fear, lives would be touched more often and people would have the courage and faith to do the things they never even dreamed of doing before.

What's stopping us though?

Venting

I've never felt this kind of pain before. I could not explain it, it's not who I am. I want to feel numb in my own skin but instead I'm crawling around and out of it, looking for an answer.

I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't hurt you, I would never want you to be hurt. I still care about you as much as I want to hate you and scream into your face. Your not worth all the crying I've done, your just not worth it. But I can't stop. You aren't who I thought you were- this phrase has become useful to people often. And in our case, it's very useful. Your a much better actor than i thought, I give you that. Telling me things you knew I'd fall for. The things any girl would fall for, just so we feel important and excepted by you. 

Oh but then you got us. We're wrapped around your fingers and you use that against us. This is when it all changed, and your true colors showed because you were so comfortable. I hate you for getting so damn comfortable. I wanted to fix you- I wanted to help you go back to "the real you". But there was no you before.. It was switched. And you beat me to the punch, which made me furious. I'm still furious.

I deserved better. God i deserved a hell lot better than what you did to me. And what you did to her! I don't care if she and I aren't friends, you broke her heart. You broke my heart. And you broke them equally, and each situation was handled the exact same way. It's like you plan out your relationships in your mind, and then proceed. Well never again, EVER again will you do that. Your all used up, and everyone is going to see the real you. No one will ever think twice about being with you, I sure as hell wouldn't.

You lied about something so big. What else did you lie to me about?

I can't stand you, but if I saw you I wouldn't be able to yell. I'd only burst back into the pattern of tears because thats all I feel right now is emotional betrayal by you. I want it to pass, I don't want to feel this anymore.

I want to feel numb.

Indifference

I don't plan on writing anything similar to what I usually write. Tonight I'm writing about something personal, not based on situations others may be going through. This is different.

My thoughts feel on the edge as I’m slowly learning to cope with things I’ve never felt or dealt with before. I still disagree when I tell myself to work through it, because in moments it feels impossible. I notice myself crying more often and wanting to be separated from my situation or people. It’s indifference, and I wish I could run and hide. Almost everyone feels this way at least once and I’m beginning to believe this is my time. I hate it, and I would give much to dispose of this feeling. I thought I was growing. I assumed it was time I hit change on the building blocks we all travel, but with misunderstanding I was very wrong. They say one step at a time, and my expectations involve leaps.

Is it healthy to feel like you will never grow? This sounds like an easy question but I feel as if my anger, resentment, lies, unwilling opinions and selfishness will never just… die. We all have imperfections, but instead of sitting around admitting to accepting them, shouldn’t we try to fix them? I’m sure most of us do. But why can’t I? It continues to hurt as I hurt others. I don’t want to hurt others- that I do know. I may not be willing to take their pain from them considering I don’t have the maturity to admit that without lying. I would like to reach that which is my point here. I can’t keep looking at these people and feel my heart sink knowing there is a piece of them that I let die. It’s as if I can’t sustain a relationship without knowing what the turnout will be considering most end- just in different ways. Yet I continue to blame them. I make excuses until I run out of breath because I think it’s going to make it all fall on their shoulders and release from mine. This just makes it worse, and worse. The tension grows between myself and others as my heart grows dim and heavy.  I start to become idolized and ashamed to look others in the eyes because when I do there is anger and every other doubted emotion shown in my tone and expression. People see it, including the ones I’m closest to and care the most about. They don’t know I have this problem. All they know is what they see, and run. I don’t blame them for running, and I don’t think I’ve ever asked them not to run. I know what they see, and I would be running too.

I don’t believe I’m mentally ill, or anything that would ever be taken to the extreme. But there’s something inside that connects with a past regret or mistake.

I need to know what that is. I’ve grown desperate now.

Don’t I deserve to know? I mean, shouldn’t we deserve to know the causes of the things we are willing to fix? This doesn’t add up to me. I feel as though sometimes I’ve been punished enough by all the mistakes I’ve made and all the things I’ve lost. I can’t keep saying sorry considering the word means nothing anymore. It’s actions that count, and I want to bring the ones that matter to life. If I don’t, I will never know what it feels like to finally be satisfied. So no, I don’t believe I have ever been completely happy all at once. But I want to be. I don’t want to be angry, sad, distant, and so on. I don’t want to live with the truth of hurting such amazing and important people… They do not deserve it. I am going to change, even if I feel I can’t right now. I’m going to. People deserve better, and personally I believe I deserve better for myself.

 Thing’s will get better. I may not be as strong as I hope, but I’ll get there. I’ve gotten a lot of places once before, I believe I can do it again.

Innocence

Freedom from guilt, or lack of knowledge and understanding.

This personally to me is a big one; a big deal. TIme passes so fast sometimes that we don't even have the time to sit back and wonder what happened. Where things got out of hand, went wrong, or simply vanished. How quickly our innocence vanished. Things change so fast and it's hard to even understand. What's easy to understand is how we once were before those things changed and how our cares were so far up not a thing could stop it.

Until we grow up.

I'm not just talking about the innocence from when we were younger, but also before teenage years start. That's mostly where things fall apart- most of us know that. Its pressure, love/heartache, and anger that come deeply between that innocence. We can't just stop it from happening since it happens to everyone, and at any time. It's like a twist in the book titled our lives, confusing enough for everyone else including ourselves. There are nights we cry out in wonder of what really did happen to us. Life happened to us, and that's as clear as it gets. 

But if you think deep enough into it all, the mystery isn't that innocence doesn't leave you completely. I believe it's never the same and is impossible to be the same. But honestly there are pieces in us all that are still filled with so much, and they come out from time to time. Our integrity naturally shows and we smile in a way we usually don't. Our heart speaks aloud with no intentions and we have such confidence as if nothing has ever stopped us before. These moments are blessings- and I don't think they will ever step away from us. 

See, Innocence is not a controlled quality. It comes straight from the heart, but unforced. Its a matter of more so love than hate, and it's almost like our current setting on life is paused. Just so we can focus on the things that mattered like they once did. 

Back when we had innocence.

My Tragic Flaw

Everyone can own up to one of these because everyone unfortunately has one. No, these are not always a bad thing. They shape and form us into the people we are today, and whoever the future hands to us. 

"Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken." I would have to say this is the best sentence to wrap up my tragic flaw. I have the inability to be different, but I don't think I am the only person with this. It comes off easier to always stand in the same spot, to never take a  leap of faith for a change and imagine the possible outcome. Because when we do imagine it, it's always a negative one. We're scared of standing out, and eventually we become so heavy minded that our feet feel almost stuck to the floor- prepared to duck instead of jump. 

As time passes we stay the same. It's not going to affect anyone but possibly yourself, only because the real you is hidden inside somewhere just wanting to burst out. The unhealthiness of this is high but we don't ever notice that. So go ahead and stick to the status quo, it doesn't ever seem that bad as flaws go on. 

But when we do jump out of our shell- when we do change, I don't think it will be an explosion of difference where people almost question who you are. But as you begin to accept yourself, mentally you will grow naturally to being that different person that you seem to notice more than anyone else. Not dramatically, but you soon become a leader. 

I hope to maintain working on this flaw, because it's only one of my many. And I know that in passing time this will be me. This will always be who i am, and I'll never want to be anyone else ever again.

Friendship

Ever sit back and count up how many of these you've ever had so far? In previous years, I almost can't believe how many I've had. And not in a conceited way, because then I think of how many I've lost.

When I first moved away from my old town, I didn't seem to notice much about my friends feelings. Just my own. I wanted to run back home, and be with them. "I hate every person over here." I would constantly tell myself. "They will never be anything like my real friends, nor will they be good enough."

I still can't even believe I was that judgmental towards them- I didn't even know them.

Time after I settled in, I began to blame myself. My friends would call me on few nights, crying and asking questions and just wanting someone to talk to. Just wanting someone to be there. But could I be there? I questioned God why I couldn't be the friend i thought he wanted me to be. The one that stands by their friends forever, no matter what obstacle. This I had been committed to, but once I realised there was nothing I could do, I let go.

For almost two years I still beat myself up for ending it the way i did. Of course it was never 'really over', but it was no where near the same. We weren't neighbors anymore, nor did we feel like we even knew each other. We still don't to this day. But the truth is, there was nothing I could honestly do. I was the best friend I could be, and they were the best friends they could have been. I'll never take their friendship for anything more, or anything less.

It's been quite some time now, and I have new friends. No, they are not the same, quirky people I used to dance on top of coffee tables with- but they are real. I have a best friend that I wouldn't trade for any other friend in the world. Sure, she is quirky, dorky, you name it- And I absolutley love that about her. She feels like the one friend I've been searching for all along, through I guess this journey called moving on. I have had a lot of other friends in my new town, but none seemed to fit. For some of them, I was just the new girl and it was easy to be friends with me-so I've been told. But Sam never made me feel that way. She wanted a friend, and I at the time wasn't even looking. But once the time came where I could admit her to being my best friend, I felt so much better about everything. I don't think she'll ever go away.

Last night, I recieved a phone call from my very old best friend, Emily. See, when I was younger I basically didn't have the choice of who I wanted my best friend to be. Emily had to be it, or we weren't going to be friends at all ( In her theory ). As much as we fought, I always had to call her what she stated herself to be.
When she called last night, I could tell she'd been dealing with something. She told me she wanted the authentic relationship we had back when we were 6-years-old. I tried to explain how we were older now, and times were changing. I told her I had new friends, and a new life. Of course, I would always be her friend. But I can't put myself in that situation as so often as she wanted to, because then I become attached. I don't know how or why, but I do when it comes to the people and things in that neighborhood. She left the phone crying, saying our friendship was over. It didn't really hit me until later that night.

I guess my main point, is to hold onto your friendships. Even if things change, people grow, and opinions become stronger and different- always keep them in your heart. Sometimes it doesn't work out for the best, and its not always our fault. But friends are gifts, and I hope mine always remain in my heart.