Indifference

I don't plan on writing anything similar to what I usually write. Tonight I'm writing about something personal, not based on situations others may be going through. This is different.

My thoughts feel on the edge as I’m slowly learning to cope with things I’ve never felt or dealt with before. I still disagree when I tell myself to work through it, because in moments it feels impossible. I notice myself crying more often and wanting to be separated from my situation or people. It’s indifference, and I wish I could run and hide. Almost everyone feels this way at least once and I’m beginning to believe this is my time. I hate it, and I would give much to dispose of this feeling. I thought I was growing. I assumed it was time I hit change on the building blocks we all travel, but with misunderstanding I was very wrong. They say one step at a time, and my expectations involve leaps.

Is it healthy to feel like you will never grow? This sounds like an easy question but I feel as if my anger, resentment, lies, unwilling opinions and selfishness will never just… die. We all have imperfections, but instead of sitting around admitting to accepting them, shouldn’t we try to fix them? I’m sure most of us do. But why can’t I? It continues to hurt as I hurt others. I don’t want to hurt others- that I do know. I may not be willing to take their pain from them considering I don’t have the maturity to admit that without lying. I would like to reach that which is my point here. I can’t keep looking at these people and feel my heart sink knowing there is a piece of them that I let die. It’s as if I can’t sustain a relationship without knowing what the turnout will be considering most end- just in different ways. Yet I continue to blame them. I make excuses until I run out of breath because I think it’s going to make it all fall on their shoulders and release from mine. This just makes it worse, and worse. The tension grows between myself and others as my heart grows dim and heavy.  I start to become idolized and ashamed to look others in the eyes because when I do there is anger and every other doubted emotion shown in my tone and expression. People see it, including the ones I’m closest to and care the most about. They don’t know I have this problem. All they know is what they see, and run. I don’t blame them for running, and I don’t think I’ve ever asked them not to run. I know what they see, and I would be running too.

I don’t believe I’m mentally ill, or anything that would ever be taken to the extreme. But there’s something inside that connects with a past regret or mistake.

I need to know what that is. I’ve grown desperate now.

Don’t I deserve to know? I mean, shouldn’t we deserve to know the causes of the things we are willing to fix? This doesn’t add up to me. I feel as though sometimes I’ve been punished enough by all the mistakes I’ve made and all the things I’ve lost. I can’t keep saying sorry considering the word means nothing anymore. It’s actions that count, and I want to bring the ones that matter to life. If I don’t, I will never know what it feels like to finally be satisfied. So no, I don’t believe I have ever been completely happy all at once. But I want to be. I don’t want to be angry, sad, distant, and so on. I don’t want to live with the truth of hurting such amazing and important people… They do not deserve it. I am going to change, even if I feel I can’t right now. I’m going to. People deserve better, and personally I believe I deserve better for myself.

 Thing’s will get better. I may not be as strong as I hope, but I’ll get there. I’ve gotten a lot of places once before, I believe I can do it again.

Innocence

Freedom from guilt, or lack of knowledge and understanding.

This personally to me is a big one; a big deal. TIme passes so fast sometimes that we don't even have the time to sit back and wonder what happened. Where things got out of hand, went wrong, or simply vanished. How quickly our innocence vanished. Things change so fast and it's hard to even understand. What's easy to understand is how we once were before those things changed and how our cares were so far up not a thing could stop it.

Until we grow up.

I'm not just talking about the innocence from when we were younger, but also before teenage years start. That's mostly where things fall apart- most of us know that. Its pressure, love/heartache, and anger that come deeply between that innocence. We can't just stop it from happening since it happens to everyone, and at any time. It's like a twist in the book titled our lives, confusing enough for everyone else including ourselves. There are nights we cry out in wonder of what really did happen to us. Life happened to us, and that's as clear as it gets. 

But if you think deep enough into it all, the mystery isn't that innocence doesn't leave you completely. I believe it's never the same and is impossible to be the same. But honestly there are pieces in us all that are still filled with so much, and they come out from time to time. Our integrity naturally shows and we smile in a way we usually don't. Our heart speaks aloud with no intentions and we have such confidence as if nothing has ever stopped us before. These moments are blessings- and I don't think they will ever step away from us. 

See, Innocence is not a controlled quality. It comes straight from the heart, but unforced. Its a matter of more so love than hate, and it's almost like our current setting on life is paused. Just so we can focus on the things that mattered like they once did. 

Back when we had innocence.

My Tragic Flaw

Everyone can own up to one of these because everyone unfortunately has one. No, these are not always a bad thing. They shape and form us into the people we are today, and whoever the future hands to us. 

"Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken." I would have to say this is the best sentence to wrap up my tragic flaw. I have the inability to be different, but I don't think I am the only person with this. It comes off easier to always stand in the same spot, to never take a  leap of faith for a change and imagine the possible outcome. Because when we do imagine it, it's always a negative one. We're scared of standing out, and eventually we become so heavy minded that our feet feel almost stuck to the floor- prepared to duck instead of jump. 

As time passes we stay the same. It's not going to affect anyone but possibly yourself, only because the real you is hidden inside somewhere just wanting to burst out. The unhealthiness of this is high but we don't ever notice that. So go ahead and stick to the status quo, it doesn't ever seem that bad as flaws go on. 

But when we do jump out of our shell- when we do change, I don't think it will be an explosion of difference where people almost question who you are. But as you begin to accept yourself, mentally you will grow naturally to being that different person that you seem to notice more than anyone else. Not dramatically, but you soon become a leader. 

I hope to maintain working on this flaw, because it's only one of my many. And I know that in passing time this will be me. This will always be who i am, and I'll never want to be anyone else ever again.

Friendship

Ever sit back and count up how many of these you've ever had so far? In previous years, I almost can't believe how many I've had. And not in a conceited way, because then I think of how many I've lost.

When I first moved away from my old town, I didn't seem to notice much about my friends feelings. Just my own. I wanted to run back home, and be with them. "I hate every person over here." I would constantly tell myself. "They will never be anything like my real friends, nor will they be good enough."

I still can't even believe I was that judgmental towards them- I didn't even know them.

Time after I settled in, I began to blame myself. My friends would call me on few nights, crying and asking questions and just wanting someone to talk to. Just wanting someone to be there. But could I be there? I questioned God why I couldn't be the friend i thought he wanted me to be. The one that stands by their friends forever, no matter what obstacle. This I had been committed to, but once I realised there was nothing I could do, I let go.

For almost two years I still beat myself up for ending it the way i did. Of course it was never 'really over', but it was no where near the same. We weren't neighbors anymore, nor did we feel like we even knew each other. We still don't to this day. But the truth is, there was nothing I could honestly do. I was the best friend I could be, and they were the best friends they could have been. I'll never take their friendship for anything more, or anything less.

It's been quite some time now, and I have new friends. No, they are not the same, quirky people I used to dance on top of coffee tables with- but they are real. I have a best friend that I wouldn't trade for any other friend in the world. Sure, she is quirky, dorky, you name it- And I absolutley love that about her. She feels like the one friend I've been searching for all along, through I guess this journey called moving on. I have had a lot of other friends in my new town, but none seemed to fit. For some of them, I was just the new girl and it was easy to be friends with me-so I've been told. But Sam never made me feel that way. She wanted a friend, and I at the time wasn't even looking. But once the time came where I could admit her to being my best friend, I felt so much better about everything. I don't think she'll ever go away.

Last night, I recieved a phone call from my very old best friend, Emily. See, when I was younger I basically didn't have the choice of who I wanted my best friend to be. Emily had to be it, or we weren't going to be friends at all ( In her theory ). As much as we fought, I always had to call her what she stated herself to be.
When she called last night, I could tell she'd been dealing with something. She told me she wanted the authentic relationship we had back when we were 6-years-old. I tried to explain how we were older now, and times were changing. I told her I had new friends, and a new life. Of course, I would always be her friend. But I can't put myself in that situation as so often as she wanted to, because then I become attached. I don't know how or why, but I do when it comes to the people and things in that neighborhood. She left the phone crying, saying our friendship was over. It didn't really hit me until later that night.

I guess my main point, is to hold onto your friendships. Even if things change, people grow, and opinions become stronger and different- always keep them in your heart. Sometimes it doesn't work out for the best, and its not always our fault. But friends are gifts, and I hope mine always remain in my heart.

Music

What I don't seem to grasp is how could God create something so real, and so beautiful.

I'm going to be pretty open here, because this is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. I mean it. I could lie in my bedroom all day, window cracked, pen and paper in hand. But what makes it all feel so much brighter and more real, is the music. The music that sets the day, or just the feeling inside my heart. These are the kind of things I could fall in love with a million times over again. The songs I could fall in love with.

What I start to think about more is how often music is heard mostly just in our cars. No, I don't drive yet. But this seems to still stick as a dream of mine. To just get away, and turn on my favorite song as if I need no one else but the voices on my radio. I would perfer it more at night, where I feel more secure, alone, and sheltered to just sing my heart out.
The other times in the car that are a gift seem to be the days with our friends in the other seats with you. Fun songs and laugher fill the air and everyone feels this joy inside them to just sing and never stop. Keep the windows rolled down, and let your arms fly out. This also is a wonderful feeling, and its a shared one.

Sometimes I can't believe how well songs fit people's moods. They could be going through something so wonderful, or something beyond terrible. There are songs to greif, cry, shout, and dance to. This is given to us, just for us. The words could cause our minds to shake, almost in awe of how well the words become a perfect puzzle. We begin to feel understood, and how we're not exactly the only ones feeling a certain way.

Music is a gift.. And it's not worth being wasted.

Blessed

I'm not too sure of what being blessed really means. It never feels like a matter of luck, but a matter of having the right gift or mind-set about your life. Most people in this world take so much for granted. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's all we've ever known or been naturally surrounded by. And as we sit back enlcosed and oblivious to most of what goes on, others grow up striving to do what they feel assigned to do. It's almost like they couldn't possibly ever once consider their own feelings because they are too busy worried about how others feel.

Now, not all people are like this. There are the people that are raised the way any person would enjoy being raised. In other words- blessed. But instead of being grateful and accepting what was naturally brought to them, they take advantage of the money, looks, job, ext. and wind up taking a turn they didn't expect to take. From then on, all they once had seems like just a waste of time.

A few nights ago, my dad asked me if I'd like to run his taxes to the Post Office dowtown. After a long car ride with the 'two for the price of one' long talk, we decided to hit the McDonalds drive-through. Before we were going to order, a tall, slim black man came up to the window. His hat was wrapped tightly around his head, and he had a dark colored jacket with small sleeves. I hadn't been paying much attention since my dad let me mess around with his Blackberry. The man spoke with a ridgid and cold tone, asking my dad for some money to eat. He handed him a dollar, but the man made it clear that it wasn't enough for a drink on the side. As we pulled away and our food was placed in the car, I'd lost my appetite. I began to feel sorry for him, and myself. It was a selfish feeling that i truley wanted to hide. I felt as if my dad could see me feeling this way, but i said nothing. "I want to give that man the rest of my change." My dad said as we started to leave. We held are breath to look back in the window. He was not there, and it was clear that he hadn't ever been.

I'm not sure why this bothered me so much. I first felt pitty, and eventually an anger rushed over me as i discovered this man was probably off getting drunk at some bar with my dad's money. Indescribable thoughts filled my head for the rest of the ride home, and as i lied in bed that night the man would not leave my head. Soon, I began to feel something else. I felt blessed.

I now know more so that it's good to be happy and grateful for everything you have. Some experiences have more of an effect than others, it just depends on how you relate or possibly how you feel about the situation. After this, I really do feel blessed.

Selflessness

Honestly, I'm not as selfless as I want to be. Lately something has been bothering me a lot more than it usually does, and it's time I got rid of it. I say so often that I don't hold grudges against people, but I'm starting to think this problem I have involves a grude.

I'm still mad at my parents.

Bringing back the thought of us moving.. The thought that I had no choice, no say in anything whatsoever. The fact that the reason my life when spiralling into somewhat of a back hole, and my thoughts were forced to become something I didn't believe in, was because of them. They took it all away faster than I knew was possible.

For a long time, I isolated myself from the people around me, especially my parents. I didn't want to make friends, I didn't want to pay attention in school, I didn't want to be around anyone- including myself. No efforts towards the new society I was beginning to be a part of were made. I regret this only because sorrow and anger got to my head, and now it feels permanantly stable. This is not how I want it to be.

Many people made many efforts towards me, but I took it for granted or just never responded the way I knew i was supposed to. My mom and dad would come in my room at night ever so often just to make sure I was alright. Right then and there I would break out in argument and start lashing out, just because I was still upset with them. For a while, they were sad over moving away too. I guess it just confused them why I had been more upset than them, and couldn't seem to just 'let go'. My life was there, how do I just let go? It came to me sooner or later I knew there was something wrong with me. I wanted to change- and I still want to change.

Deep down, I know that selfless person is in there somewhere. But the difficulty of finding that is greatly high. I can't do it without forgiving my parents first, or anyone for that matter. I always told myself I would never hold a grudge, especially this one. Now it's too late, but at least I've started to see it. That's a start.. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I spent so much time becoming another person. I figure in this life, I can't sit around waiting to redeem myself. Because within 99 years, that time will pass. I want to make it right now. Not wait around for it to come to me. If we always did that during conflict with people, we would become forgotten.

I don't want to be forgotten.

Spring

Today, in my eyes, is the first day of spring. Not only because it's allergy season and the sneezing begins, but because everything around me is only another reminder. It reminds me of when I was younger, and my friends and I would run up and down the streets- playing and laughing without a care in the world. Or my dad would take my little brother and I to the park, which was usually when we'd beg for McDonalds and wind up eating it there.

As I get older, spring seems different to me now. I don't exactly get to run up and down the streets- especially without a care in the world. A lot more crosses my mind now, as it does to everyone. I couldn't take something so carelessly, because now it actually means more. I think back on the past and all the times I spent taking those hikes in my backyard and the odd feeling of bare legs from my shorts. I know I'm comfortable enough to think back on those things, but not enough to become it again.

Reading seems to be more simple and enjoyable now, which it wouldn't have been then. I can sit outside and get lost into my book, which is something I really look forward too. Then, I never would have considered it enjoyable. When I was younger, I attempted to read maybe once on a blanket in the center of my lawn. Turns out I lost intrest within three for four minutes, and ran off with my friends to find something better to do.

It's not just reading though. There's many things to look back on and see, "Wow, I never would have thought twice about that until now." I guess as we grow, we lose interest in some things that really meant the world to us back then. Now, it seems like only the memories mean the world to us.

I guess my point here, is that nothing is ever enough until we see it later on. I sometimes wish I had taken more intrest in the things surrounding me then, but then again I know how great my memories are and will always last to be. My heart seems to be covered in joy when I think and smile back on those times, especially during spring. I guess that's why I love it so much.

Acceptance

In the previous week or so, I feel like changes between a friend of mine named Kylie and I have been secretly made. I couldn't exactly describe it to you, but I'll give it a shot.


Today, one of my good friends from school named Abby came up to me and questioned if anything had been wrong with me and Kylie. I couldn't help but admit to her, "Your right, I notice it too." It's crazy because I saw that she cared enough to notice something so small like that, which I was already having trouble noticing myself. It was more-so I didn't want to notice it, whether or not it was true.


I went home, sat at the computer screen, and thought. I didn't want to make an emotional deal about it or anything, but I felt it was time to at least make a change- Along with the ones she already made. For a long time now, I had a blog up about our friendship, and how much I will and still always love her. It was incredibly long, and I won't ever forget the day I made it for her. It was sort of shaky, but I took it down.


Now this may not seem like much of a big deal to you, but it meant so much to me. No, I couldn't say what's happening between the two of us, but it's something I must face. I may never communicate with her the way we once did, or have a long unusual conversation with her about any topic that popped into my mind. But I will promise to never forget or regret the memories made. I promise a lot of things, but in my heart she will always be my best friend. Moving on is difficult, I know this. But I know this is only a small step to the greater steps we may all face sooner or later. I guess I just consider the difficulty of accepting that it's near a draw, or an end.


Deep in my heart, nothing is ever coming to an end. Friends are friends, nothing more or less. Unless something horrible had happened between us both, then it's only a matter of growing up and moving on. I understand now how different we both are. It's weird to think though how she hasn't even begun high school yet, and I only wish her the best of luck and strength throughout it all. She's a wonderful person- I hope she will never forget that.


Things always happen for some kind of reason. It's just up to me to have enough faith to trust God and believe it will all get better soon. For her sake, and for mine.