Indifference

I don't plan on writing anything similar to what I usually write. Tonight I'm writing about something personal, not based on situations others may be going through. This is different.

My thoughts feel on the edge as I’m slowly learning to cope with things I’ve never felt or dealt with before. I still disagree when I tell myself to work through it, because in moments it feels impossible. I notice myself crying more often and wanting to be separated from my situation or people. It’s indifference, and I wish I could run and hide. Almost everyone feels this way at least once and I’m beginning to believe this is my time. I hate it, and I would give much to dispose of this feeling. I thought I was growing. I assumed it was time I hit change on the building blocks we all travel, but with misunderstanding I was very wrong. They say one step at a time, and my expectations involve leaps.

Is it healthy to feel like you will never grow? This sounds like an easy question but I feel as if my anger, resentment, lies, unwilling opinions and selfishness will never just… die. We all have imperfections, but instead of sitting around admitting to accepting them, shouldn’t we try to fix them? I’m sure most of us do. But why can’t I? It continues to hurt as I hurt others. I don’t want to hurt others- that I do know. I may not be willing to take their pain from them considering I don’t have the maturity to admit that without lying. I would like to reach that which is my point here. I can’t keep looking at these people and feel my heart sink knowing there is a piece of them that I let die. It’s as if I can’t sustain a relationship without knowing what the turnout will be considering most end- just in different ways. Yet I continue to blame them. I make excuses until I run out of breath because I think it’s going to make it all fall on their shoulders and release from mine. This just makes it worse, and worse. The tension grows between myself and others as my heart grows dim and heavy.  I start to become idolized and ashamed to look others in the eyes because when I do there is anger and every other doubted emotion shown in my tone and expression. People see it, including the ones I’m closest to and care the most about. They don’t know I have this problem. All they know is what they see, and run. I don’t blame them for running, and I don’t think I’ve ever asked them not to run. I know what they see, and I would be running too.

I don’t believe I’m mentally ill, or anything that would ever be taken to the extreme. But there’s something inside that connects with a past regret or mistake.

I need to know what that is. I’ve grown desperate now.

Don’t I deserve to know? I mean, shouldn’t we deserve to know the causes of the things we are willing to fix? This doesn’t add up to me. I feel as though sometimes I’ve been punished enough by all the mistakes I’ve made and all the things I’ve lost. I can’t keep saying sorry considering the word means nothing anymore. It’s actions that count, and I want to bring the ones that matter to life. If I don’t, I will never know what it feels like to finally be satisfied. So no, I don’t believe I have ever been completely happy all at once. But I want to be. I don’t want to be angry, sad, distant, and so on. I don’t want to live with the truth of hurting such amazing and important people… They do not deserve it. I am going to change, even if I feel I can’t right now. I’m going to. People deserve better, and personally I believe I deserve better for myself.

 Thing’s will get better. I may not be as strong as I hope, but I’ll get there. I’ve gotten a lot of places once before, I believe I can do it again.