Friendship

Ever sit back and count up how many of these you've ever had so far? In previous years, I almost can't believe how many I've had. And not in a conceited way, because then I think of how many I've lost.

When I first moved away from my old town, I didn't seem to notice much about my friends feelings. Just my own. I wanted to run back home, and be with them. "I hate every person over here." I would constantly tell myself. "They will never be anything like my real friends, nor will they be good enough."

I still can't even believe I was that judgmental towards them- I didn't even know them.

Time after I settled in, I began to blame myself. My friends would call me on few nights, crying and asking questions and just wanting someone to talk to. Just wanting someone to be there. But could I be there? I questioned God why I couldn't be the friend i thought he wanted me to be. The one that stands by their friends forever, no matter what obstacle. This I had been committed to, but once I realised there was nothing I could do, I let go.

For almost two years I still beat myself up for ending it the way i did. Of course it was never 'really over', but it was no where near the same. We weren't neighbors anymore, nor did we feel like we even knew each other. We still don't to this day. But the truth is, there was nothing I could honestly do. I was the best friend I could be, and they were the best friends they could have been. I'll never take their friendship for anything more, or anything less.

It's been quite some time now, and I have new friends. No, they are not the same, quirky people I used to dance on top of coffee tables with- but they are real. I have a best friend that I wouldn't trade for any other friend in the world. Sure, she is quirky, dorky, you name it- And I absolutley love that about her. She feels like the one friend I've been searching for all along, through I guess this journey called moving on. I have had a lot of other friends in my new town, but none seemed to fit. For some of them, I was just the new girl and it was easy to be friends with me-so I've been told. But Sam never made me feel that way. She wanted a friend, and I at the time wasn't even looking. But once the time came where I could admit her to being my best friend, I felt so much better about everything. I don't think she'll ever go away.

Last night, I recieved a phone call from my very old best friend, Emily. See, when I was younger I basically didn't have the choice of who I wanted my best friend to be. Emily had to be it, or we weren't going to be friends at all ( In her theory ). As much as we fought, I always had to call her what she stated herself to be.
When she called last night, I could tell she'd been dealing with something. She told me she wanted the authentic relationship we had back when we were 6-years-old. I tried to explain how we were older now, and times were changing. I told her I had new friends, and a new life. Of course, I would always be her friend. But I can't put myself in that situation as so often as she wanted to, because then I become attached. I don't know how or why, but I do when it comes to the people and things in that neighborhood. She left the phone crying, saying our friendship was over. It didn't really hit me until later that night.

I guess my main point, is to hold onto your friendships. Even if things change, people grow, and opinions become stronger and different- always keep them in your heart. Sometimes it doesn't work out for the best, and its not always our fault. But friends are gifts, and I hope mine always remain in my heart.

Music

What I don't seem to grasp is how could God create something so real, and so beautiful.

I'm going to be pretty open here, because this is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. I mean it. I could lie in my bedroom all day, window cracked, pen and paper in hand. But what makes it all feel so much brighter and more real, is the music. The music that sets the day, or just the feeling inside my heart. These are the kind of things I could fall in love with a million times over again. The songs I could fall in love with.

What I start to think about more is how often music is heard mostly just in our cars. No, I don't drive yet. But this seems to still stick as a dream of mine. To just get away, and turn on my favorite song as if I need no one else but the voices on my radio. I would perfer it more at night, where I feel more secure, alone, and sheltered to just sing my heart out.
The other times in the car that are a gift seem to be the days with our friends in the other seats with you. Fun songs and laugher fill the air and everyone feels this joy inside them to just sing and never stop. Keep the windows rolled down, and let your arms fly out. This also is a wonderful feeling, and its a shared one.

Sometimes I can't believe how well songs fit people's moods. They could be going through something so wonderful, or something beyond terrible. There are songs to greif, cry, shout, and dance to. This is given to us, just for us. The words could cause our minds to shake, almost in awe of how well the words become a perfect puzzle. We begin to feel understood, and how we're not exactly the only ones feeling a certain way.

Music is a gift.. And it's not worth being wasted.