When I first moved away from my old town, I didn't seem to notice much about my friends feelings. Just my own. I wanted to run back home, and be with them. "I hate every person over here." I would constantly tell myself. "They will never be anything like my real friends, nor will they be good enough."
I still can't even believe I was that judgmental towards them- I didn't even know them.
Time after I settled in, I began to blame myself. My friends would call me on few nights, crying and asking questions and just wanting someone to talk to. Just wanting someone to be there. But could I be there? I questioned God why I couldn't be the friend i thought he wanted me to be. The one that stands by their friends forever, no matter what obstacle. This I had been committed to, but once I realised there was nothing I could do, I let go.
For almost two years I still beat myself up for ending it the way i did. Of course it was never 'really over', but it was no where near the same. We weren't neighbors anymore, nor did we feel like we even knew each other. We still don't to this day. But the truth is, there was nothing I could honestly do. I was the best friend I could be, and they were the best friends they could have been. I'll never take their friendship for anything more, or anything less.
It's been quite some time now, and I have new friends. No, they are not the same, quirky people I used to dance on top of coffee tables with- but they are real. I have a best friend that I wouldn't trade for any other friend in the world. Sure, she is quirky, dorky, you name it- And I absolutley love that about her. She feels like the one friend I've been searching for all along, through I guess this journey called moving on. I have had a lot of other friends in my new town, but none seemed to fit. For some of them, I was just the new girl and it was easy to be friends with me-so I've been told. But Sam never made me feel that way. She wanted a friend, and I at the time wasn't even looking. But once the time came where I could admit her to being my best friend, I felt so much better about everything. I don't think she'll ever go away.
Last night, I recieved a phone call from my very old best friend, Emily. See, when I was younger I basically didn't have the choice of who I wanted my best friend to be. Emily had to be it, or we weren't going to be friends at all ( In her theory ). As much as we fought, I always had to call her what she stated herself to be.
When she called last night, I could tell she'd been dealing with something. She told me she wanted the authentic relationship we had back when we were 6-years-old. I tried to explain how we were older now, and times were changing. I told her I had new friends, and a new life. Of course, I would always be her friend. But I can't put myself in that situation as so often as she wanted to, because then I become attached. I don't know how or why, but I do when it comes to the people and things in that neighborhood. She left the phone crying, saying our friendship was over. It didn't really hit me until later that night.
I guess my main point, is to hold onto your friendships. Even if things change, people grow, and opinions become stronger and different- always keep them in your heart. Sometimes it doesn't work out for the best, and its not always our fault. But friends are gifts, and I hope mine always remain in my heart.
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