Blessed

I'm not too sure of what being blessed really means. It never feels like a matter of luck, but a matter of having the right gift or mind-set about your life. Most people in this world take so much for granted. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's all we've ever known or been naturally surrounded by. And as we sit back enlcosed and oblivious to most of what goes on, others grow up striving to do what they feel assigned to do. It's almost like they couldn't possibly ever once consider their own feelings because they are too busy worried about how others feel.

Now, not all people are like this. There are the people that are raised the way any person would enjoy being raised. In other words- blessed. But instead of being grateful and accepting what was naturally brought to them, they take advantage of the money, looks, job, ext. and wind up taking a turn they didn't expect to take. From then on, all they once had seems like just a waste of time.

A few nights ago, my dad asked me if I'd like to run his taxes to the Post Office dowtown. After a long car ride with the 'two for the price of one' long talk, we decided to hit the McDonalds drive-through. Before we were going to order, a tall, slim black man came up to the window. His hat was wrapped tightly around his head, and he had a dark colored jacket with small sleeves. I hadn't been paying much attention since my dad let me mess around with his Blackberry. The man spoke with a ridgid and cold tone, asking my dad for some money to eat. He handed him a dollar, but the man made it clear that it wasn't enough for a drink on the side. As we pulled away and our food was placed in the car, I'd lost my appetite. I began to feel sorry for him, and myself. It was a selfish feeling that i truley wanted to hide. I felt as if my dad could see me feeling this way, but i said nothing. "I want to give that man the rest of my change." My dad said as we started to leave. We held are breath to look back in the window. He was not there, and it was clear that he hadn't ever been.

I'm not sure why this bothered me so much. I first felt pitty, and eventually an anger rushed over me as i discovered this man was probably off getting drunk at some bar with my dad's money. Indescribable thoughts filled my head for the rest of the ride home, and as i lied in bed that night the man would not leave my head. Soon, I began to feel something else. I felt blessed.

I now know more so that it's good to be happy and grateful for everything you have. Some experiences have more of an effect than others, it just depends on how you relate or possibly how you feel about the situation. After this, I really do feel blessed.

Selflessness

Honestly, I'm not as selfless as I want to be. Lately something has been bothering me a lot more than it usually does, and it's time I got rid of it. I say so often that I don't hold grudges against people, but I'm starting to think this problem I have involves a grude.

I'm still mad at my parents.

Bringing back the thought of us moving.. The thought that I had no choice, no say in anything whatsoever. The fact that the reason my life when spiralling into somewhat of a back hole, and my thoughts were forced to become something I didn't believe in, was because of them. They took it all away faster than I knew was possible.

For a long time, I isolated myself from the people around me, especially my parents. I didn't want to make friends, I didn't want to pay attention in school, I didn't want to be around anyone- including myself. No efforts towards the new society I was beginning to be a part of were made. I regret this only because sorrow and anger got to my head, and now it feels permanantly stable. This is not how I want it to be.

Many people made many efforts towards me, but I took it for granted or just never responded the way I knew i was supposed to. My mom and dad would come in my room at night ever so often just to make sure I was alright. Right then and there I would break out in argument and start lashing out, just because I was still upset with them. For a while, they were sad over moving away too. I guess it just confused them why I had been more upset than them, and couldn't seem to just 'let go'. My life was there, how do I just let go? It came to me sooner or later I knew there was something wrong with me. I wanted to change- and I still want to change.

Deep down, I know that selfless person is in there somewhere. But the difficulty of finding that is greatly high. I can't do it without forgiving my parents first, or anyone for that matter. I always told myself I would never hold a grudge, especially this one. Now it's too late, but at least I've started to see it. That's a start.. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I spent so much time becoming another person. I figure in this life, I can't sit around waiting to redeem myself. Because within 99 years, that time will pass. I want to make it right now. Not wait around for it to come to me. If we always did that during conflict with people, we would become forgotten.

I don't want to be forgotten.