Fear

I think it's too difficult to explain a topic like this.. I've wanted to, but I fear the wrong words coming out or leaving over a million and twelve things out.

There are so many different types of people in this world, no one could name them all. I'd like to take the time to point out certain kinds of people that fear. 

They fear physical objects, rejection, losing close ones, getting hurt, hurting others, dying, living, or even doing what they're created to be. Most all of us obtain a fear in something, if we didn't we must not feel correctly. Fear is not a good thing to look at, but sometimes it can save us from certain things. Maybe I shouldn't of put it it like that actually. I'm not sure how to best describe this.. I'm a very fearful person sometimes. People can't hide from the world forever though. That's letting it control us and that's not what we're put here for. These are the people that watch the world pass them by without a single blink of regret, no, not till the end. 

I look at things in my life now that I would have completely missed if I hadn't taken those chances. I would have never been able to walk the Great Wall Of China with my dad, or climb Camelback Mountain in Arizona and actually reach the top in a day. Even small things like jumping off a bridge in Norris Lake, or taking a step towards someone you never thought you could do. Life is full of things like these. Maybe not always big, but the steps are worth taking. Always. 

A lot of the time, we fear because we've already been hurt. It's a guard we naturally put up right away and no one is allowed back in. Or new people aren't allowed in to begin with...? I think both. Trust is such a strong word to our society, yet most people can't seem to fully hold to such a promise. Is that why fear is such a common thing to everyone? Maybe if people kept their promises, there would be trust. And with trust leaves behind fear. I feel wrong and right in different ways so there may not be a real answer to this question. 

People start to show their fear in many ways i think. Some are mean and build walls, and others are funny by making jokes about themselves before others can beat them to it. A lot can be emotional and stay quiet until they get to a safe place, or the ones who even use things to feel numb and lose all feelings. 

These are all the wrong answers, but we still do it.

I wish I knew why? Without fear, lives would be touched more often and people would have the courage and faith to do the things they never even dreamed of doing before.

What's stopping us though?

Venting

I've never felt this kind of pain before. I could not explain it, it's not who I am. I want to feel numb in my own skin but instead I'm crawling around and out of it, looking for an answer.

I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't hurt you, I would never want you to be hurt. I still care about you as much as I want to hate you and scream into your face. Your not worth all the crying I've done, your just not worth it. But I can't stop. You aren't who I thought you were- this phrase has become useful to people often. And in our case, it's very useful. Your a much better actor than i thought, I give you that. Telling me things you knew I'd fall for. The things any girl would fall for, just so we feel important and excepted by you. 

Oh but then you got us. We're wrapped around your fingers and you use that against us. This is when it all changed, and your true colors showed because you were so comfortable. I hate you for getting so damn comfortable. I wanted to fix you- I wanted to help you go back to "the real you". But there was no you before.. It was switched. And you beat me to the punch, which made me furious. I'm still furious.

I deserved better. God i deserved a hell lot better than what you did to me. And what you did to her! I don't care if she and I aren't friends, you broke her heart. You broke my heart. And you broke them equally, and each situation was handled the exact same way. It's like you plan out your relationships in your mind, and then proceed. Well never again, EVER again will you do that. Your all used up, and everyone is going to see the real you. No one will ever think twice about being with you, I sure as hell wouldn't.

You lied about something so big. What else did you lie to me about?

I can't stand you, but if I saw you I wouldn't be able to yell. I'd only burst back into the pattern of tears because thats all I feel right now is emotional betrayal by you. I want it to pass, I don't want to feel this anymore.

I want to feel numb.