Selflessness

Honestly, I'm not as selfless as I want to be. Lately something has been bothering me a lot more than it usually does, and it's time I got rid of it. I say so often that I don't hold grudges against people, but I'm starting to think this problem I have involves a grude.

I'm still mad at my parents.

Bringing back the thought of us moving.. The thought that I had no choice, no say in anything whatsoever. The fact that the reason my life when spiralling into somewhat of a back hole, and my thoughts were forced to become something I didn't believe in, was because of them. They took it all away faster than I knew was possible.

For a long time, I isolated myself from the people around me, especially my parents. I didn't want to make friends, I didn't want to pay attention in school, I didn't want to be around anyone- including myself. No efforts towards the new society I was beginning to be a part of were made. I regret this only because sorrow and anger got to my head, and now it feels permanantly stable. This is not how I want it to be.

Many people made many efforts towards me, but I took it for granted or just never responded the way I knew i was supposed to. My mom and dad would come in my room at night ever so often just to make sure I was alright. Right then and there I would break out in argument and start lashing out, just because I was still upset with them. For a while, they were sad over moving away too. I guess it just confused them why I had been more upset than them, and couldn't seem to just 'let go'. My life was there, how do I just let go? It came to me sooner or later I knew there was something wrong with me. I wanted to change- and I still want to change.

Deep down, I know that selfless person is in there somewhere. But the difficulty of finding that is greatly high. I can't do it without forgiving my parents first, or anyone for that matter. I always told myself I would never hold a grudge, especially this one. Now it's too late, but at least I've started to see it. That's a start.. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I spent so much time becoming another person. I figure in this life, I can't sit around waiting to redeem myself. Because within 99 years, that time will pass. I want to make it right now. Not wait around for it to come to me. If we always did that during conflict with people, we would become forgotten.

I don't want to be forgotten.